Cinnabar
by Trace Reading
Summary: Spike reflects on the nature of attraction.  One-Shot.


She's my everything, the only person that really matters. It might be wrong, but I don't care anymore. I've lived an interesting life so I guess it's altered my tastes some. Sure, there's plenty of people to choose from, attractive women who fit my style, but I haven't felt like this in years. Not since Julia. I still remember the day I left. After that it was like I was on autopilot, existing purely because I didn't feel like dying yet.

The pain…well, the pain faded after awhile, but it never really went away. God, what an idiot I am. Falling for a girl like her, but no matter what my protests were the day she came into my life that dull ache that I thought would never leave suddenly vanished. I had a purpose again. She needed me. I needed her.

At first I guess I was a bit put off by her. Quirky in a way that could easily be described as weird, intensely focused and difficult to get a handle on… Heh, handle. Faye would deck me for that one, but I wouldn't mind it. That girl is worth every punch, slap, heel and scratch that Faye wants to give me. She and Jet are perfect for each other. For some time I was worried that I'd be stuck with the dog, and then we went to Earth to chase down some hacker.

Well, we found one alright, and it was in retrospect the best thing that's ever happened to us. To me. It wasn't as if we weren't together before, as a crew, but when that girl came along it tightened us into a family. The first time that Faye tried to get her in the bath, now that was amusing. Both of them soaked from head to toe, getting water everywhere—even Ein wasn't spared a dunking.

I don't know exactly when I started to really comprehend her, to see beyond that inscrutable exterior and odd behavior—can't say that I can blame her for the whole weirdness factor. Her father (her biological one anyway) is a total flake, more interested in keeping the terrestrial maps updated than in looking after his daughter. Jet's better suited to the role than that Appledelhi character we met down in…wherever it was. Earth is dead and remembering the names of places is pretty worthless.

To me at any rate. No disrespect to Faye but the Earth she knew is gone. It won't do her any good to keep living in a past that doesn't exist anymore. She has her memories back and can claim her heritage. Hopefully that'll be enough. But Faye isn't the girl for me. Julia's gone, too, and I might follow her soon.

But I still have Ed.

Don't look at me like that. I'm not a pervert and I don't know if she feels the same way but…if she does I don't mind waiting. And if she can't wait, I can always tie her up.

…Stop getting funny ideas!

Yeah, I know I'm robbing the cradle but Ed is…special. Not in that she requires extra care; she's more than capable of looking after herself. But I feel drawn to her for probably the same reasons that I find her napping on my bed every time she pulls a marathon hacking session, or just feels like sleeping somewhere other than the centrifuge ring.

We've got an understanding, beyond the whole "help us catch bad guys" thing. I like the quiet, and she respects that. She knows when I need silence. Sometimes, she joins me in meditating, or when I practice my forms. Once when she was particularly intent on imitating me I gave her the speech. The one about being like water.

Funny girl asked me if it would be better to be like wind instead. Can't argue much with that; it makes sense in ways I probably would never have thought about. The way she looks at the world is interesting, a refreshing alternative to my own. I wouldn't say I'm fatalistic, but nobody ever accused me of being excessively cheerful, either. It's not like I never smile. I feel happiness, just like everyone else, and for pretty normal reasons. A good meal, for example. That's one thing Ed and I agree on, though I've taken a solemn oath to _not_ imitate her and pour my drink on my dinner again.

No, with Ed I don't really feel _happiness_ as most people would describe it. I think it's better to say that I'm _contented_, that I can trust and rely on her. Sure, I worry that someday she might just walk out on us and wander the solar system, but Ed being Ed it would break her heart to try and keep her in one place and I don't think I could be that selfish.

Maybe that's when I decided I was in love with the girl. I can see that look in your eyes, you think I'm disgusting. Maybe I am. God knows I've done a lot of unsavory things in my life, things I've tried to walk away from, but not this. Not Ed. I am never going to walk away from her. So think what you want of me, but we're her family and I'm the one she looks to for comfort.

Don't ask me about plans for the future. I don't have any. All I know is that when I wake up in the morning and find her curled up next to me I don't feel like pushing her away or carrying her back to the room she shares with Faye. Just the opposite, I want to put my arm around her and pull her tight, and just drift back to sleep. Sometimes I do. Faye never looks into my bunk so she'll never know, but Jet…

I did have to explain to him, though it didn't take much convincing that I was never going to take advantage of her. Jet trusts me with his life, so I guess he trusts me with Ed, too. He'll never say it but he looks at her like a daughter. If she looks at him as a father I don't think I could disagree. Jet's a bit henpecked. If he and Faye ever wake up to each other… That's a whole different line of thought.

Like I was saying, though, I'm there for Ed if she wants it, if she needs it. She isn't always there when I wake up, but I always find her waiting for me. So maybe now that you've heard all this, you won't think I'm such a monster. I don't want her to think I'm going to leave her behind.

I'll always wait for you, Edward.

Always.

_A/N: I know this one's a little weird, but it wasn't going to let me sleep until I wrote it. And once written, it must be shared._


End file.
